24 May 2009

On Sporadic Posting

Clearly, it's what I do.

I went on a bit of a manic posting spree when I was finishing my thesis--lots of stuff up, and 3 posts still hanging out, 3/4 finished, in drafts. I've found that I tend to disappear onto the internet when I'm having a rough patch mentally* as a way of withdrawing from the outside world and not dealing with whatever the problem is. It also tends to put a negative edge on any activism I do. I'm insecure at the best of times, but when things are otherwise off, I tend to descend into a pit of obsession about what others may think and whether or not I am saying the right things/saying them right. The "3/4 finished" posts in my drafts bin are pretty much finished, they just haven't been put up out of anxiety that they might not be perfect. I should post them...

Now that things are better, mental-balance wise, I'm less active online. On the one hand, I don't need the escape anymore, and on the other hand, I'm realising that the way I was thinking about blogging and writing was profoundly unhealthy and so focused on what others might think and not what I want to say that I had to stop and re-centre.

I've been doing a lot of re-centering lately, and it's helping. I'm slowly pulling away from the bad time I just had, and I'm getting to a point where I can almost start writing about things other than why I'm not currently writing. That would be good.

Mind you, I doubt that I'll ever be a particularly regular blogger, but I'm glad I'm still here.


* I tend to have a giant anxiety-related crash about once a semester, right around exams. It's pretty bad, and involves little sleep, little food, no emotional stability and a paralyzing negativity that prevents me from doing anything about what's bothering me. I'm trying to build the courage to see a therapist/counsellor/anyone, but I can't quite deal with the admission of weakness that would entail.